Why is it that ‘real’ men don't cry?
Written by Kane Harrison
Founder and CEO
‘Dad’ noun Informal.
Father's Day is just around the corner and this year it falls on what has become the most uncertain and unsettling time of my generation. My wife and I have had many conversations around the issues the world faces today and how these issues will shape the future of the world, and selfishly, more than anything, how that will affect our children. There is no doubt these emotionally charged conversations are happening at homes around the world, and they should be.
We are lucky enough to have two healthy and beautifully misbehaved children. Rowan, our soon-to-be 4-year-old daughter, a part-time card shark, deal-making triathlete wanna-be, mermaid broadway singer and Rhodes, our 3-month-old milk guzzling, toe sucking, gummy shark son who farts himself to sleep. This is real life.
Defining what it means to be a dad can be tough but when I really have time to think about my deepest and foremost role as a dad… It is to show my children how important their mum is. Now be sure you read the word ‘show’ because I didn’t write ‘tell’. - to show my children how important their mum is.
This is far easier said than done because to do this, it has to go way beyond yelling, “listen to your mother” (which we have all heard many times before knowing that the mere threat of those 4 words meant mum had the floor or dad would polish that very floor with our butts). To do this well you have to remove yourself from everything you have ever been taught as a man, or how to be one.
You have to be EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE.
There I said it, well, I at least wrote it. I don’t think I’m ‘tooting’ a horn when I say I’ve always been pretty good at being thoughtful, considerate, patient... and I completely attribute that to my mum, Cynthia. But here’s the thing: Everything I emotionally pat myself on the back for is internal - thoughtful, considerate, patient - even though this is all so important to have these in your arsenal, at the moment someone needs you the most these traits can actually come across a distant, cold and even sociopathic. Why? Because you are silent, seemingly emotionless.
Why, or perhaps the question is, how can we as men and fathers not embrace externalizing our feelings? After all, it would make us better husbands and fathers.
This has made me think so deeply about how to be a dad to my son Rhodes. How can I instill the same values that have been instilled upon me by so many strong, beautiful women and be sure that I instill the courage in Rhodes to be emotionally vulnerable not only internally but externally?
Most of this boils down to what society has come to expect from a “real” man. I’m here to tell you that it is hurting us, our relationships, and our mental health.
International Men's Health Week 2020 is June 15-21, and it’s not by chance (that in the US, for our Australian friends) it's the same month as Father’s Day, and here is the question I’m asking myself...
Why is it that ‘real’ men don't cry?
Now let’s be completely clear here... There is not a single person on the planet that wants to see a man in the fetal position, crying about his girlfriend pulling the plug on his ‘Call of Duty’ game. I mean, Chad, get up, everything will be OK, your bro’s will be there tomorrow (your girlfriend... not so much).
There are times and perhaps for some, like the time we are currently living through, when it shows strength to cry. When you just need to cry. The major events that carry major emotional weight like weddings, the birth of children, and funerals. All of these are completely appropriate times to let your guard down and externalize your emotions.
What made me think about this is the fact that I’m not a crier but there are times that I absolutely should have been. I chose to be stoic, like I was taught by society and in hesitation missed out on sharing the gravity of those moments with the ones I love.
So on the eve of a time when men have a chance to empathize with each other and be celebrated as fathers, perhaps ask yourself, why you don’t cry every once in a while and maybe talk to your partner in crime about what would happen if you did? We can’t be superheroes all the time.
That was deep, so let’s grow a little facial hair and learn something - Did you know that as humans we have three different types of tears? Yes, even men.
♂️ Basal tears are released by the tear duct every time we blink and are antibacterial to help keep our eyes moist and clean.
♂️ Reflex tears are triggered by irritants like wind and smoke (and bloody onions!) and are released to flush out our eyes when irritated.
♂️ Emotional tears are the ones we release due to the different emotions we experience as humans (joy, sadness, anger etc).
All of these tears have health benefits. Basal and Reflex tears are protecting our vision and keeping our eyes healthy. But emotional tears are equally as important as they:
♂️ Help to self regulate our emotions in order to reduce our distress. Self-regulation is a huge part of maintaining good mental health.
♂️ Release oxytocin and endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer, and "feel good" hormones, helping to relieve both physical and emotional pain.
♂️ Release the "stress" toxins. While Basal and Reflex tears have been found to be 98% water, our emotional tears have high levels of stress toxins that have accumulated during stress. Emotional tears release these from the body.
♂️ Help sleep; as we self regulate and release our feel-good emotions, we enter a state of calmness that can assist with sleep.
Please tell me again why ‘real’ men don't cry? (every once in a while).